Addy

[BennieAndTheJetsParticipant]

—I have no clue why the fuck I’m posting this… I’m confident they will delete it before anyone reads it, but I need to say this, I need to purge this from my brain which won’t stop replaying every fucking moment over and over and over…

That song… Even if I thought I could walk away she makes it impossible.

She’s reached out… Some part of her still reached out to me in that video, the song couldn’t have been just a coincidence.

She hasn’t called me — I’ve pretty much given up hope she will, some of you even said she was being monitored so this is my last ditch Hail Mary pass here…

If this is left up long enough for you to read — I don’t know where your allegiances lie but I promise you, all of you, I will one day burn this entire place to the ground but right now, I just want the person who saw me at my worst and still chose to love me… I need her to know I am still here and I’m still trying to help. If you have ever lost someone, not told someone how you felt because it hurt, because you were scared or because maybe you couldn’t love yourself enough to get out of your own damn way to let them in… then fuck this cult, fuck the BOA and fuck everything but maybe two people being the thing that can save each other in this fucking mess of a world. Yes, I am laying it on thick, but I need you guys on my side, you people are the only people who seem to be in contact with her these days.

I’m tired, I am desperate and I am terrified so I am just going to try and get through this. After we… were together… we used to hold each other and, more times than I’d like to admit, I would try and impress her with my intellect. She was already some much cooler and funnier than I was, I thought maybe this could be my thing. My reason to not just be a lucky dumb ass with a girl who didn’t know she could do so much better… My musings were always some grand philosophical, cliche and “subversive” bullshit. Every single time she would completely humor me, ask questions and engage like she was really into it and processing my all of my nonsense. I’d make up more along the way and she’d really let me believe it sounded good, that she was buying it. But then… every time… as soon as I was nice and cocky, completely full of myself, she’d just smile and give this iron clad counter argument with just ONE or TWO words. “Oligarchy”, “evolutionary psychology”… ”Iran-Contra”… and just like that my house of cards belief system and ego would collapse right then and there.

I’d pout and mumble a few hurtful things to try and nurse my bruised, insecure ego but she’d never let it affect… this is sounds so corny but she’d never let it affect… Us. She’d just laugh harder, crawl on top of me, tell me she loved me, grab me and say, “but not for your mind you idiot”. And like that, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t sad, I just felt lucky, like she was telling me it was okay and that I belonged there, that we belonged together.

I’m telling you this for two reasons:

1. So that maybe you can have some small understanding that the girl you met at the mixer, the girl on the phone and most definitely the girl in that last video maybe their Addison, but I know it’s not MY Addy.

2. because keep thinking about her ability to shut me down and make the world okay again with one or two words. I might be just a lost, bumbling idiot but I think there is a real shot that we can do that again with her. The word is, “Carlos”… I think she will remember.

We actually met killing time between a big casting call at a museum. I was staring at this piece of art and trying to figure out what the hell I was looking at, she came up and ask what I thought. I looked at the plaque and it said, “Artist: Carlos Mérida” I started completely lying about how I knew a bit about Carlos and his history. I explained how the painting was an exploration of his loss and pain from his terrible childhood and how to me the painting represented hope and optimism and how anything was possible if your timing was right. She looked at the painting and said, “Carlos?” As I became flustered and confused she then pointed to the other painting to the right of it… “THAT is actually Carlo’s painting”. She then pointed to the plaque to the left of OUR painting, the one I had been talking about and I can’t even remember the actual artist’s anymore but I was completely busted. I just started to walk away in shame but she called after me and said, “I believed everything you said though and I think you did too.” Ever since then whenever things seemed like they were too much or we were in over our head we would laugh, look at each other and just say, “Carlos” to know we could talk and believe our own way through it together.

If you hear from Addison, no matter how crazy or out of it she sounds. Say “Carlos” and let’s hope she can realize there is still hope for her to turn it around.

It’s on you guys now,

M

[MelissaModerator]

Noted, but tell me this:

Who is the BOA? :-/

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by  Melissa.

[MikeParticipant]

Bank of America? They are EVIL!

[111_errorParticipant]

Carlos. Understood, Mark.

Good luck. And, if you can, reach out to some of us if you need us.

[Michael RizzoParticipant]

I feel confident in some way or another, she will hear the word: Carlos. Good luck brother

[EziParticipant]

I’ve never met or interacted with Addison, but would like to see her safe and happy, so will do what I can to help.

[BennieAndTheJetsParticipant]

Melissa! Thank God, it’s still there and someone saw it. I was in a rush. Typo, Brotherhood of SERAPH, whatever. Just look at the profile picture! It’s me, this is important, get the message to her!!! PLEASE

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by  BennieAndTheJets.

[Sean (@TheGilded)Moderator]

You heard the people. Even if deleted, enough of us know of Carlos that the message can’t be silenced so easily.

There are those among us trying to help Addison. You know this, she’s called out to them.

Good luck. I sincerely hope that you and I don’t find ourselves on opposite sides of this conflict.

[MikeParticipant]

I’m not understanding your point anymore B/M. You come on here and threaten this lovely organization over what? Some hurt feelings because your girl left you? You never told us WHAT exactly happened. So why should we listen to someone who comes on here, guns blazing with threats, who is whining about losing his girl? From what I heard, you weren’t the greatest thing in her life.

So tell us, why did she leave you? If you want help, be honest. None of this..”they took her from meeeeeee…waahhhhh” type stuff

Since no one seems to speak truth to you…just move on. It’s ok to care about her, but if she hasn’t made any contact with you, it’s probably for a reason. Move on bruhhhh

[Jake OParticipant]

I agree with @mike. sounds like she may have just moved on to greener pastures. You freely admit she was more intelligent than you, so maybe you two were never meant to be.

We still have no evidence that she’s in harm’s way other than you telling us you don’t like who she’s become. But, people change, she might not be your addy, but she might still be HER addy. Maybe she likes hanging out with guys in strange masks and participating in strange blood rights. Who are you to tell her not to?

[NosnevetsParticipant]

HER Addy. I like that. That’s so true for so many break ups.

[RustyParticipant]

You are speaking to some who also have learned to care for Addy” even if we have only interacted briefly with her.

But, in all due respect, I have also been told you may have been the one to influence her in the beginning… the one who may have set her on this path. I know that Tom and Margaret… they have their doubts about you. I am sorry for your pain and your loss, truly I am… but your outbursts are not confidence builders.

[GATEKEEPER3Keymaster]

match.com

the tv commercials appear to help people like you

i don’t believe there will soon be much of addison to miss

also swear words and typos make you less intimidating than i believe you wish to be

[Susie JParticipant]

I love you, III!

[Anonymous]

Well that’s vague and slightly threatening.

[Sean (@TheGilded)Moderator]

@coryphella – They don’t smile any more. None of them smile any more.

I suspect if III has his way, Addison won’t smile any more

[DaelaParticipant]

Why are we assuming that III is the one destroying Addison? Four is, at the very least, overseeing Addison right now, if not possessing her outright. I know we’re all anxious to cast Four as the hero, but I’m not sure III can be held responsible for this one.

[Anonymous]

I don’t assume III is destroying her. If anyone is I believe Four is and Addison is probably allowing it to happen. But III is still not on my good side.

[DaelaParticipant]

I’m right there with you.

[Anonymous]

@gatekeeper3

Are you possessing Addison, or is it IV, or is it neither?

[DaelaParticipant]

@jeromy I like your style.

[Anonymous]

@daela – Doesn’t hurt to ask. Right?

[DaelaParticipant]

Mark, I’ll be frank. As much as I love Addison, you get on my nerves. One moment you’re pleading for everyone to listen to you, the next you refuse to share information. You’re ineffective, and you don’t seem like a prize.

I believe that Addison is in trouble. I do not believe you are the answer to that trouble. To be honest, if I were to whisper “Carlos” in Addison’s ear, I’m not convinced she wouldn’t shrink from me in horror.

You don’t seem to be working with Addison’s parents, and you don’t seem to be working with BoS. Why is that? How do we know that you aren’t a lone deluded stalker?

Give us something to work with here.

[Susie JParticipant]

I sympathize with you, sir, I honestly do. You are dealing with a whole host of emotions and issues and loss that we will likely never know the true extent of. But it is not our place to insert ourselves in your intimate woes and I’m certainly not the only one who recognizes the emotional manipulation involved here. You are framing us rather unfairly and I can understand your bias as well. What you may not realize is that by your own testimony you are a liar. Or at least one given over to flights of fancy so much so that you believe your version of things over other perspectives. Your past with Addison is yours and hers, but as much in love as you were she was never yours. In a society awash with buzz words like “rape culture” and “entitlement” affectionate language can be construed as something altogether more sinister. We Aspirants are here willingly. Maybe people should recognize that there is no need for people to be held against their wills when there are plenty willing to offer themselves. Rest assured, we all care for Addison and I’m positive your message will get to her one way or another. But don’t you look down your nose at us, sir. Without us, you’d be flapping in the wind.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by  Susie J.

[Anonymous]

Hey Mark! Just gonna jump in here. I’m down with @mike and @endlesspictures.

What kind of bizarro love language do you speak that is riddled with deception, and if what you say is true, how do we know you’re not lying to us to manipulate us to believe you’re better than you are?

[Neil KingParticipant]

Although this completely intrigues me and has me thinking… I have to side with @mike – you come in threatening something that we love and then asking our help? How are we suppose to take this?

[NosnevetsParticipant]

Carlos to you too! I’m sure it’s already reciprocated.

[DaelaParticipant]

Mark, or Benny, I’ve been trying to put my finger on why I was so troubled by your post.

And then I remembered.

“Benny is the one who got Addison into this thing, The Church of Anoch. Tom and Margaret take exception to it being called a “church” because it is the furthest thing from holy. They do not like Benny one bit.”

^That’s from Sean Decker and Kim’s report on the events of May.

Nowhere in your post do you take responsibility for dragging Addison into this mess. Instead, you keep playing the victim.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve been a great friend to Addison. Maybe you should come clean if you want us to trust you.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by  Daela. Reason: added "Decker" to keep the Sentry happy

[Susie JParticipant]

Yaaaaaaaasssss Queen!

[Addison BornParticipant]

I’m playing devil’s advocate here – if he did lead Addy to the OOA, maybe he didn’t know what was happening. Maybe it was the OOA in a different incarnation?We know from Jake, Megan, and my meetings with Warren a couple weeks ago that they have a history and this is just one incarnation. Maybe it was something else asking for promotion, much like we’re asked to share content via Facebook?

I’ve never met Tom and Margaret, but maybe they’re looking for someone to blame for whatever happened? And since Mark was with Addy, he’s the easy target?

Maybe he feels guilty for whatever part he played in where Addy is now, and he’s grasping at anything he can to make things right?

[Kimberly @ElectricHippoParticipant]

@bennieadnethejets Samson, you’re embarrassing yourself. I understand you’re emotional, but love (or obsession as the case may be) is not a good excuse for going off thoughtlessly to an audience that already has little patience for you. I am supposedly on your side and even I feel like throwing you in front of a moving train right about now. Next time you’re tempted to express yourself publicly, feel free to give me a call. I’ll be happy to help you focus your thoughts, and your grammar, more productively.

Please, for the love of Seraph, do not do this again.

[BennieAndTheJetsParticipant]

I misjudged these forums, and I guess in turn… you.

Every story needs a villain and if that is my role within this community, villainize me.

Some of you reading this think I am a fraud – – others surely think I’m a bad actor writing bad copy. Both and neither are true.

There is no way for me to explain my past. At least none that you are ready to buy into… yet.

I fucked up, did things I regret and hurt people I cared about. This is MY cross to bare.

Soon it will not just be me desperately begging and pleading for help…

I hope when its others you care about, you will know enough then to realize what this all is, and what you have become.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I couldn’t right all these fucking wrongs. I’m sorry for what I introduced you to.

This is my end, let this be your new beginning.

[Kimberly @ElectricHippoParticipant]

@bennieadnethejets Please don’t do anything that can’t be undone.

[Anonymous]

Bear.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, the vodka.

[GATEKEEPER3Keymaster]

delightful
thank you everyone
easier than i expected
in other news our brochure is here:

p.s. its bear not bare – but i am sure the dramatics were not lost

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by  GATEKEEPER3.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by  GATEKEEPER3.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by  GATEKEEPER3.

[Anonymous]

@gatekeeper3 – Is there a back?

[Anonymous]

If there is, I’m gonna poke it.

[Jake OParticipant]

maybe the back is…bare?

[Anonymous]

@endlesspictures – I love what you did there.

[EziParticipant]

Awesome brochure!

[Sean (@TheGilded)Moderator]

The OOA is A Okay…. amazing.

[Susie JParticipant]

I think I got the slogan for a new batch of pins. 😆

[Anonymous]

p.s. its bear not bare – but I am sure the dramatic were not lost

Yes thank you I handled it.

[Anonymous]

The photo of me in the brochure shows me arriving at the airport.
You should show what I looked like after the OOA trapped me there for 48 freaking hours.

[_Michael GrayParticipant]

M~ You did this to yourself. I personally don’t feel bad about what choices you have made, but the fact is, you made them. Now, yes, you must burden that cross, but next time you want to ask for help, maybe give us the truth of what happened. We would probably be more sympathetic to your needs. Also, wouldn’t it be alot healthier for yourself if you realized that Addison might not want anything to do with you anymore, that you should just move on?

[prufrock5150Participant]

I don’t know you, “M,” but I would like to give you some advice, as a person who has suffered loss and grief: you cannot cross the same river twice. That’s not just something that Heraclitus thought up to mess with people, either. It’s about the flow of time, and the truth about identity. You see, the Addison you knew, she whom you loved so dearly… she was never the person you constructed her to be. This is true not because I know her, but because it is true about all of us. We make each other up, both literally and figuratively, and the way we see each other, the small subroutines of stimulus-response that form the iterations of the fractal network of self and other – this is not reality. You want to blame someone, something, some secret shadowy illuminatus hiding behind the corner to grab your girl… and you certainly can. You can construct them, like you constructed her, and you can even convince other people to accept your construction – but you don’t own it. You don’t own her. It’s time to let go, Mr. And-the-Jets. Your song is played out, and the painful repetition of a thronging crowd screaming “Benny” is just a reminder that even if you get a million billion people to believe you, that doesn’t make it the truth.

[CodyParticipant]

This is THEeeee Battle? Is that where this is going?

[TheBuzParticipant]

Wow! Can’t believe I missed all this! Where my bros at letting me know shit is going down!

BennyJets guy… I don’t know you. But you come off as sad. I don’t follow people that are overtly emotional.

[MichelleParticipant]

I’m going to also agree with @mike on this. I think it’s time to move on. Even if Addison is in need of help, she isn’t reaching out to you. She’s reaching out to others here on the forum who ARE trying to help her. Maybe she just found she wasn’t that into you anymore.

You also give people reason to pause… Her family doesn’t trust you. I don’t know if anyone does other than yourself in regards to Addison. You seem to be flying completely solo on your save Addison mission. Why is that?

Lastly, I take issue with people who talk in absolutes. Your final post in this thread… It places everyone on this forums in one single group. I think rather than being overtly emotional and defensive if you had been logical in your plea for help, you would have received a more positive response from more in the forum. I do believe there are some on here who are more than willing to help you, @lllerror, point blank told you to reach out for help to some of the people here if you need them. But, then, it seems you blast everyone here saying we’re vilifying you and you’ve misjudged the forums. Maybe I’m misinterpreting the “you” in your post. I took it to mean the members here.

If you want someone to see things in a different light or see them for what they really are, you need to present evidence. I can’t think of anyone who actually knows you and would trust you on your word alone.

[Author]

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