Tagged: post-traumatic stress
November 21, 2016 at 11:17 am #22811
After listening to the My Haunt Life wrap up, seeing @shinobi’s post about Tension dreams, I feel like maybe we should vent a little bit – Maybe there’s something you saw that you can’t get out of your head or need to get off your chest, something you wish you did that you never had a chance to, any loose ends inside the institute that you want to tie up.
For me, like many others, my round two Red Room still haunts me. I was confronted by the entire cast and told to look around at the faces of every single person in that room, and I was asked who I stood with. At that point, I had my first visit still stuck in my head, and already knew the fates of many in our group. I didn’t feel empowered by the ability to make my own choice, I felt vulnerable. I saw so many people that I cared about and that I knew cared about me staring me in the eye, but I couldn’t bring myself to stand with them, because I believed in my heart that the OOA preyed on the vulnerability I was feeling, just as they preyed on so many at-risk people who were only looking for a safe space. But after I left that room, I couldn’t help but question my answer – what if I did stand with the Overseer? Could change have come from within?
I had nightmares about this several times a week – standing in the red room, with the eyes of so many staring me down. Dreams that seemed to go on for days, that I had been kidnapped, stolen out of my bed, made to negotiate my fate with every single person in those walls.
Eventually these dreams went away, I had made my peace with my decision. I did not stand with “BOS,” as it had become apparent through my visit that they were frauds, that BOS was a setup from the OSDM. I messaged the Overseer a few days before the final event and let her know that despite not agreeing with the OOA and their methods, that their message and the safety of those within their organization was what was most important to me, that I was there if she needed me.
In the days following The End, I began worrying again about my stance in the Red Room. If the entire community stood with “The OOA” would that have changed anything? Would the strength of the community have impacted the OSDM’s power? Or would it have strengthened them, because we would’ve unanimously bought in to their lies?
And about buying in –
Why did Michelle approach those that opposed the OOA as BOS, if BOS never really existed in the first place? And why did she empower us, telling us the BOS was real, and (from my understanding) empower us to rebel against the organization she worked for, only to come out in full support of and apparently the ringleader of the OSDM?
November 21, 2016 at 11:57 am #22812
I would have to say, for me, it was first the fact that I had failed my mission of trying to help “Sadie”. But as time wore on, what began to bother me most is the notion that her death was most likely caused by me. By attempting so tenaciously to help her, I unintentionally set in motion the events which led to her death.
November 21, 2016 at 5:33 pm #22816
@shinobi – Please try not to feel guilty, that’s what the OSDM wants you to feel. We were all shown things that they knew would affect us (and in my opinion weaken us). You were shown someone you care for deeply die, possibly due to your actions. During our second visit, @rizzzoooooo and I (and many others) were shown that the people we had aligned with for months weren’t who they said they were, which later set us up for what we thought would be redemption through Michelle, but just caused us to be more vulnerable to the OSDM.
I really feel that Sadie was killed by the OSDM to try and get at you, to weaken you and allow them to prey on you.
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by Addison Born.
November 21, 2016 at 5:39 pm #22819
November 21, 2016 at 12:53 pm #22813
@addisonborn my take away from BoS crew encounter with OSDM-Michelle is that BoS wasn’t real but you guys made it your own and actually really did create a BoS. Now, why did she have you guys record it (and hence, evidence of murder/psychological torture/fraud/etc etc etc) is that the OSDM CLEARLY has ties with higher organizations that would probably look at that evidence and laugh it off. Also, that evidence was pretty much gone one we were leaving–nobody will buy our story. Plus OSDM-Michelle in my opinion was merely leading you guys on to do what she says. Comply. Collect more data. Sit. Stay. Lay down. Good boy.
Basically you guys were her puppets. We all were.
Hopefully I haven’t depressed you. :-/
November 21, 2016 at 5:25 pm #22815
@mkarrett, totally agree – OSDMichelle was definitely playing us. And thinking about the recording angle, and how she spoke to us in the parking lot – by acknowledging that BOS had taken on a life of its own and we could impact the operations of the OSDM, but still saying “hey I’m your side” she was able to keep us quiet until all was said and done and they were able to frame the story however they wanted. We played right into her hand.
November 21, 2016 at 5:33 pm #22817
Exactly. Doesn’t matter if you team FE, OOA, N/A…we all got played. I think that should be testimony to how powerful the OSDM is and we should not take them lightly. Evil always falls though.
Another thought… mostly OOG
OSDM is playing a role with Lust (OSDM presents…)
Yet we’re all excited to sign up. :-/
November 21, 2016 at 7:47 pm #22820
WAIT!!! Melissa, what was that note from that you linked to and, more importantly, the date it was issued?
November 21, 2016 at 8:47 pm #22821
November 21, 2016 at 12:59 pm #22814
What we as BoS members had in our hearts was true, regardless of anything that Michelle or anyone that opposed us has said. We all wanted for no one else to get hurt and I guess anyone could say that we failed; both OOA community members and us as BoS have that in common. Neither side was able to help those inside or maybe we just didn’t do enough. It struck me harder than I would have expected. We weren’t given much of a thread to follow to prevent what happened that Sunday and now we have to live with it. It is a very confusing time for everyone, I wonder if I should have been more vocal through Ascension in regards to how I felt if it would have helped at all, I complied to all of their requests, I never resisted, I didn’t try to stir the pot at all. I went inside trying to understand those inside, only to find out the next day that they all had died. Driving back to AZ I watched it all in real time along with you, @addisonborn. I was seeing what you were seeing. OSDM made a fool of all of us, did we really made an impact on this story? Were we really The One that they all feared? Or was OSDM the only who has been truly in fucking control?
November 21, 2016 at 9:31 pm #22822
What I learned near the start of all of this is I make a really shitty cult member. Real or pretend, I just couldn’t do it. I suppose I’m disobedient and untrusting by nature. Group think scares the crap out of me. I’d always rather take the road less traveled, which is often the road traveled alone. When BOS came along, it didn’t convince me OOA was bad news, it merely gave me an outlet to pursue what I already believed. I was a born detractor. It would have become apparent with or without BOS.
As I got to know BOS’s various Sentinels over many many months, there were numerous times they’d go silent on me for extended periods. The first time this happened I left Sentinel a message with the following sentiment: Sentinel, I hope you return to me but if you don’t I will carry on. I don’t need a home office to instruct me. I know right versus wrong. I value individual freedom, human dignity, and truth. I will continue to look for that opportunity where I might make a difference, and perhaps save a life. Ironically, the last time Sentinel went silent, a door did open and @masterlock asked me to stand by her side. What better way to find out what’s going on inside and keep an eye on her and everyone else? I really couldn’t say no. I knew singlehandedly taking down The OOA was a severe long shot, but this seemed my only chance to make even a small difference.
To have Michelle come along and tell us BOS was never real was no shocker, and it mattered very little to me because as I said to “Sentinel” I know right versus wrong, I will carry on. Michelle wasn’t a savior or bringer of grand truth that Saturday at the OOA parking lot, she also wasn’t someone that came across as trustworthy. Frankly, she was a bitch with a shitty attitude and her rational for doing what she did wasn’t adding up for any of us. I might have been tricked by “Sentinel” but I was not about to become Michelle’s pawn. Her only instruction to us that day was to record everything. I didn’t do that thinking it was going to be some grand play that caused a difference. I did it because I wanted our friends at home to be there with us through video and pictures. I also wanted to document for myself whatever it was I was about to see and have a memoir of those inside the compound that I felt we might not ever meet again. I feel all of our hands were tied that last day, regardless of allegiance. We didn’t have enough information to know how or what to fight, but we do know if we’d interfered that Sunday the definite result would be immediate expulsion from the compound.
Now, OSDM is presenting Lust. We will quite likely see Michelle again, meet Jack, and hear from those mysterious Clockmakers. If we’re lucky we might even get a cameo or two from Light2Dark. I do look forward to it all, but once again my eyes will be wide open and my independent spirit intact. OSDM has some more explaining to do. We’ve seen too much. We won’t forget the family and friends we have lost. We… ALL of us.
November 22, 2016 at 1:30 pm #22823
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